I look at you, my darling, and even while cloaked in this blanket of disease and death, you are more pure than I could ever be. More pure than I could ever comprehend…and yet as I watch you, filth consumes your beautiful, thin frame. Your dirty purity and disgusting beauty almost blind me as I look at your rotting body, the body you claim is mine, yet I could never own. The body I crave with every inch of my own. The body that I can always have, yet will never possess. The body littered with scars of self-harm and needle pricks from your drugs, the drugs you said you couldn’t live without, and yet they are what is destroying you.
You said I didn’t understand, that I didn’t know what it was like, but my dear, I understood more than you thought I did. I know what it is like to be abused by outsiders, I know what it is like to be used by insiders, and I know what it is like to loathe your very being. And now, my lover, the only beautiful part of me is being taken from me, my very substance of being is leaving. You, my angel, are going away, forever, and leaving me behind. Leaving me to decay and grow old in this world alone. You told me we’d face it together. That I would never live in solitude. That we would never be apart. You fucking lied to me didn’t you?
Remember when you told me you loved me baby? Remember that day? We were in the field, and it was raining, but we didn’t care. We didn’t care because we were together, alone, bathing in total bliss. Our bliss, not the worlds, our very own. You told me you loved me as we lay there, in the mix of grass and dirt and rain and sweat, hot from running and rolling around together. I smiled in return and we kissed as passion enveloped us, claiming our love as raw and real as it was. Or as raw and real as I thought it was. Did our love mean anything to you, my sweet, or was it just something you could throw away when you were done? Broken promises scattered to the winds, rid of any value they once held.
When did it break down, my dearest? When did we lose it, let it slide between the grip I was so sure we had? I remember the cause of every fight, every bicker we ever had. And it was simple; you didn’t want to live. But I knew, my love, that you were destined for greatness. Behind your drugs, behind your scars, behind your fear, you were perfect. I saw that, my beloved, I did. But you didn’t believe me did you? You didn’t even see it yourself.
Soon your paranoia took over, didn’t it, my star? It grew and grew, you doubted the whole world, everything outside of our sweet haven became objects of your suspicion. But eventually you even began to doubt even me, boo, didn’t you? I told you I loved you, and you didn’t believe me, you turned your back didn’t you? I saw those silent tears of disbelief as I held you close to me, as I kissed your unresponsive lips. Your eyes grew untrusting and cautious, careful not to reveal your true emotions, afraid of judgement and rejection, judgement and rejection I could never feel for you, my pet. You were slipping away from me. You didn’t even seem to care.
You began doing more drugs, you claimed you needed them, the stress was too much for you, you needed release every once and a while. Soon every once and a while became every week, then every day. The drugs simply became you. Drugs were flowing through you as freely as your blood, as freely as your life once did. Now, your life is gone. Now, you are gone. Now, you are leaving me. Leaving me to rot alone on Earth. To rot and roll in your fucking lies, our fake fucking bliss.
But I couldn’t let that happen could I, lovely? No, I would not remain behind, not without you. I could not stay here without you, and as you let your life slip from your loose clutches, I breathe my last breath. My imperfection looking out of place next to your perfect flaws. My body lying next to yours, lying in our sick and twisted bliss, our very own, not the worlds. Our bliss. Our lies. Our death. All ours. And that, my perfect, is reason to celebrate. We will be together, once and for all. In our sweet haven, our sweet bliss, forever and ever.
You said I didn’t understand, that I didn’t know what it was like, but my dear, I understood more than you thought I did. I know what it is like to be abused by outsiders, I know what it is like to be used by insiders, and I know what it is like to loathe your very being. And now, my lover, the only beautiful part of me is being taken from me, my very substance of being is leaving. You, my angel, are going away, forever, and leaving me behind. Leaving me to decay and grow old in this world alone. You told me we’d face it together. That I would never live in solitude. That we would never be apart. You fucking lied to me didn’t you?
Remember when you told me you loved me baby? Remember that day? We were in the field, and it was raining, but we didn’t care. We didn’t care because we were together, alone, bathing in total bliss. Our bliss, not the worlds, our very own. You told me you loved me as we lay there, in the mix of grass and dirt and rain and sweat, hot from running and rolling around together. I smiled in return and we kissed as passion enveloped us, claiming our love as raw and real as it was. Or as raw and real as I thought it was. Did our love mean anything to you, my sweet, or was it just something you could throw away when you were done? Broken promises scattered to the winds, rid of any value they once held.
When did it break down, my dearest? When did we lose it, let it slide between the grip I was so sure we had? I remember the cause of every fight, every bicker we ever had. And it was simple; you didn’t want to live. But I knew, my love, that you were destined for greatness. Behind your drugs, behind your scars, behind your fear, you were perfect. I saw that, my beloved, I did. But you didn’t believe me did you? You didn’t even see it yourself.
Soon your paranoia took over, didn’t it, my star? It grew and grew, you doubted the whole world, everything outside of our sweet haven became objects of your suspicion. But eventually you even began to doubt even me, boo, didn’t you? I told you I loved you, and you didn’t believe me, you turned your back didn’t you? I saw those silent tears of disbelief as I held you close to me, as I kissed your unresponsive lips. Your eyes grew untrusting and cautious, careful not to reveal your true emotions, afraid of judgement and rejection, judgement and rejection I could never feel for you, my pet. You were slipping away from me. You didn’t even seem to care.
You began doing more drugs, you claimed you needed them, the stress was too much for you, you needed release every once and a while. Soon every once and a while became every week, then every day. The drugs simply became you. Drugs were flowing through you as freely as your blood, as freely as your life once did. Now, your life is gone. Now, you are gone. Now, you are leaving me. Leaving me to rot alone on Earth. To rot and roll in your fucking lies, our fake fucking bliss.
But I couldn’t let that happen could I, lovely? No, I would not remain behind, not without you. I could not stay here without you, and as you let your life slip from your loose clutches, I breathe my last breath. My imperfection looking out of place next to your perfect flaws. My body lying next to yours, lying in our sick and twisted bliss, our very own, not the worlds. Our bliss. Our lies. Our death. All ours. And that, my perfect, is reason to celebrate. We will be together, once and for all. In our sweet haven, our sweet bliss, forever and ever.
