"Mommy! Mommy, I have to go potty." I tug on Mommy's summer dress and she looks down and smiles. It is a tired smile, but she grabs my hand and starts towards the women's restroom. He stops her, kissing her softly.
"You look tired, dear. Go sit down, I'll take her." He smiles and she nods, letting go of my hand as he takes my wrist. She sits on a bench around the corner. He takes me to the men's restroom and back to the handicapped stall at the end. (The restroom is empty... weird for a zoo).
"Um, you can wait outside. That's what Mommy always does." I whisper to him, waiting for him to leave so I can go potty, doing the dance.
"I'm not Mommy, though, am I baby girl? I'm gonna stay right here. You can either piss in the toilet or piss your pants. I don't care." His smile is hungry and he watches as I drop my pants. Watches as I pee. Watches as I wipe, rubbing his trousers.
"Do you have to pee too?" I move to allow him access to the toilet and he grabs my wrist. I look up at him, eyes wide and puzzled.
"No, I don't have to pee, baby girl, but Daddy is uncomfortable. Will you help Daddy, baby girl?" He starts undoing his belt and unzipping his trousers. (Dreaming me tries to exit in any way possible, but Dream me is young and innocent. She does not leave.)
"How can I help you, Daddy?" I look into his eyes and he smiles. It's a nasty smile, but maybe that's just because he's uncomfortable.
His trousers are down. (Dreaming me cringes).
"Help Daddy, sweetheart. Touch it."
I touch him and he sucks in a breath. I stop, but he motions for me to keep going.
"Am I making it better, Daddy?" I look up at him and his eyes are closed, his mouth open. He looks down at me.
"Yes, baby girl. Do you wanna help Daddy more?" He tells me to lay on the ground for him. I obey. He unfastens my pants again, pulling down my underwear too.
"What are you doing, Daddy? I wanna help you, but... what are you doing?" He grins and it is a sick grin. It is a very sick grin and I want to run now. I don't want to help Daddy anymore. I don't want to I don't want to I don't want to.
"Shut up, baby girl, and help Daddy." I whimper out an okay.
...
"Get dressed, baby girl. Now."
I don't want to help Daddy anymore. He hurt me. I don't want to I don't want to.
He comes in close and I whimper again.
"Tell anyone and I'll kill you. Understand?"
~~~
I gasp and struggle as I feel someone's hand under my knees. I don't think. I just fling out my fist at whoever's touching me.
"Ow! Philena, it's me!"
I look at the person and realize it's Adam. I just punched Adam, and from the look on his face I hit him right in the jaw. I close my eyes and curl into a ball in the passenger's seat. That dream. Oh God, that dream. That memory.
I'm trembling. I'm showing weakness. I know it, but I can't stop it. Why? Why today? Why now? Why in front of him?
"Philena? Hey, it's okay." He tries to put a hand on my shoulder and I jerk away. I breathe slow and evenly, getting a grip on myself within the next minute.
"Just... don't touch me, okay? I can walk." I open the door and get out. Shutting it gently, I follow him into the police station through the back door. It's comfortable inside, surprisingly. I'd never imagined myself being comfortable anywhere.
Adam gives me an odd smile, "I'd use the front door, but this way you don't have to listen to questions from the other officers. Anyway, this door's closer to Boss' office--less walking for you." He watches me shuffle along next to him and I sorta-smile. It probably shows up as another grimace, but I tried, right?
He slows his pace one door away from the end and then stops in front of the last door in the hallway. Before he even knocks, there comes a voice from within--a female voice.
"Come in, Liechent!"
I look at him, wide-eyed, and motion to a comfortable office chair against the wall. He shakes his head though and ushers me in with him. Oh but I don't want to speak with Boss. I don't want to look her in the eye. She will see right through me.
"Liechent, who are you bringing in with you? You know more than anybody that this is a Boss-only zone unless I give permission."
I look at the floor and hide my arms behind my back, waiting for her to ask me to leave the room. I have no problem with it, but I'd rather not be left alone with my thoughts. With my memories. Closing my eyes, I listen to their conversation and try to stand so still I'm not noticed.
"No disrespect intended, Boss, but this is the same girl I called an ambulance for a few months ago. The one that was stabbed. She was... well, I think she should tell you. I don't like talking about people like they aren't here."
I open my eyes, so I don't relive that day or the ones that followed. The questions from Adam come back to me. The things the doctors saw and told his partner about. The worst of the bruises were not visible to him, but that doesn't matter. He saw the others on my arms and my legs and none of those were from Ally and Chase.
"Alright, but what does she have to do with what you're currently placed there for? If she has something to report, she can go in the front like everybody else." Adam starts to say something, but Boss interrupts him.
"This is not an office for civilians to report to. This is an office for officers and detectives to report to. Employees Only, got it, Liechent?" My hands are shaking. So are my legs, but it's okay. Panic attacks happen all the time. I've learned how to deal with them. I motion to Adam that I'm going back to the hallway, but he stops me, grabbing my wrist. I try to jerk away, but his grip is firm.
"I believe the person I was sent to look for is older. Not in high school." The shaking gets worse and my heart rate picks up. It becomes more and more difficult for me to draw breath and I can feel the tears building behind my eyes. I need my knife. Any knife. Any sharp object. Pain. I need pain. Pain clears my head. It focuses my fear and turns it into adrenaline.
"Oh yeah? I still don't see how your friend here ties into everything. Unless she knows the person."
Adam gently takes my arm instead of grasping my wrist and guides me to a seat across from Boss. He first asks if he may sit, then, when answered with a nod, settles down next to me. Sitting hides the shaking a little, but there's going to be a giveaway if I don't get it together soon. I squeeze my arm as tight as I can without Adam noticing and within a few seconds blood blossoms through the off-white bandaging, red and conspicuous. I cover it by laying that arm to the side, because I left my jacket in the bathroom stall. The burning clears my head. I can think straight now.
"I believe she may, Boss. I have spoken with some of the high schoolers involved and they all describe... a man whom I believe may be her father." I don't correct him and tell them he's technically my stepfather. He is Stepmonster to me, so neither of the words means a thing to me. Besides, if I speak up, it confirms his suspicions and the only reason I'd be taken out of that household is because he's breaking the law by selling drugs to kids. Doesn't matter that he's an abuser and a murderer if I don't speak up. Maybe when I turn 18... maybe I'll tell them then.
Boss raises her eyebrows and directs her attention to me. I try to meet her eyes, I really do, but I'm so tired of being me and terrified she'll be able to see that, so I look at my hands in my lap instead, twisting my fingers together into a knot like the one in my stomach.
I try to make my voice calm and steady, but I don't know how well I do.
"I'm sorry, Ma'am--uh, Boss. I have no information to give. I can give a description of my stepfather if that would help to confirm whether or not who they are describing is him. Shall I?" I look up near the end, my face composed, and see Boss shake her head.
"Liechent, this one is no use to us if she has no new information. Take her home and come talk to me tomorrow morning before you go to the school." Her voice commands no argument, so Adam does not attempt one.
"Yes, Boss."
The clock on her desk says 2:25pm. School is not quite over and I am already going home. I sigh and force my shoulders not to slump as we exit the office. The issue of what happened at school is totally forgotten and any suspicions about Stepmonster have a ways to go before they are worthy of investigation.
I wish I had been brave enough to tell the truth.
"You look tired, dear. Go sit down, I'll take her." He smiles and she nods, letting go of my hand as he takes my wrist. She sits on a bench around the corner. He takes me to the men's restroom and back to the handicapped stall at the end. (The restroom is empty... weird for a zoo).
"Um, you can wait outside. That's what Mommy always does." I whisper to him, waiting for him to leave so I can go potty, doing the dance.
"I'm not Mommy, though, am I baby girl? I'm gonna stay right here. You can either piss in the toilet or piss your pants. I don't care." His smile is hungry and he watches as I drop my pants. Watches as I pee. Watches as I wipe, rubbing his trousers.
"Do you have to pee too?" I move to allow him access to the toilet and he grabs my wrist. I look up at him, eyes wide and puzzled.
"No, I don't have to pee, baby girl, but Daddy is uncomfortable. Will you help Daddy, baby girl?" He starts undoing his belt and unzipping his trousers. (Dreaming me tries to exit in any way possible, but Dream me is young and innocent. She does not leave.)
"How can I help you, Daddy?" I look into his eyes and he smiles. It's a nasty smile, but maybe that's just because he's uncomfortable.
His trousers are down. (Dreaming me cringes).
"Help Daddy, sweetheart. Touch it."
I touch him and he sucks in a breath. I stop, but he motions for me to keep going.
"Am I making it better, Daddy?" I look up at him and his eyes are closed, his mouth open. He looks down at me.
"Yes, baby girl. Do you wanna help Daddy more?" He tells me to lay on the ground for him. I obey. He unfastens my pants again, pulling down my underwear too.
"What are you doing, Daddy? I wanna help you, but... what are you doing?" He grins and it is a sick grin. It is a very sick grin and I want to run now. I don't want to help Daddy anymore. I don't want to I don't want to I don't want to.
"Shut up, baby girl, and help Daddy." I whimper out an okay.
...
"Get dressed, baby girl. Now."
I don't want to help Daddy anymore. He hurt me. I don't want to I don't want to.
He comes in close and I whimper again.
"Tell anyone and I'll kill you. Understand?"
~~~
I gasp and struggle as I feel someone's hand under my knees. I don't think. I just fling out my fist at whoever's touching me.
"Ow! Philena, it's me!"
I look at the person and realize it's Adam. I just punched Adam, and from the look on his face I hit him right in the jaw. I close my eyes and curl into a ball in the passenger's seat. That dream. Oh God, that dream. That memory.
I'm trembling. I'm showing weakness. I know it, but I can't stop it. Why? Why today? Why now? Why in front of him?
"Philena? Hey, it's okay." He tries to put a hand on my shoulder and I jerk away. I breathe slow and evenly, getting a grip on myself within the next minute.
"Just... don't touch me, okay? I can walk." I open the door and get out. Shutting it gently, I follow him into the police station through the back door. It's comfortable inside, surprisingly. I'd never imagined myself being comfortable anywhere.
Adam gives me an odd smile, "I'd use the front door, but this way you don't have to listen to questions from the other officers. Anyway, this door's closer to Boss' office--less walking for you." He watches me shuffle along next to him and I sorta-smile. It probably shows up as another grimace, but I tried, right?
He slows his pace one door away from the end and then stops in front of the last door in the hallway. Before he even knocks, there comes a voice from within--a female voice.
"Come in, Liechent!"
I look at him, wide-eyed, and motion to a comfortable office chair against the wall. He shakes his head though and ushers me in with him. Oh but I don't want to speak with Boss. I don't want to look her in the eye. She will see right through me.
"Liechent, who are you bringing in with you? You know more than anybody that this is a Boss-only zone unless I give permission."
I look at the floor and hide my arms behind my back, waiting for her to ask me to leave the room. I have no problem with it, but I'd rather not be left alone with my thoughts. With my memories. Closing my eyes, I listen to their conversation and try to stand so still I'm not noticed.
"No disrespect intended, Boss, but this is the same girl I called an ambulance for a few months ago. The one that was stabbed. She was... well, I think she should tell you. I don't like talking about people like they aren't here."
I open my eyes, so I don't relive that day or the ones that followed. The questions from Adam come back to me. The things the doctors saw and told his partner about. The worst of the bruises were not visible to him, but that doesn't matter. He saw the others on my arms and my legs and none of those were from Ally and Chase.
"Alright, but what does she have to do with what you're currently placed there for? If she has something to report, she can go in the front like everybody else." Adam starts to say something, but Boss interrupts him.
"This is not an office for civilians to report to. This is an office for officers and detectives to report to. Employees Only, got it, Liechent?" My hands are shaking. So are my legs, but it's okay. Panic attacks happen all the time. I've learned how to deal with them. I motion to Adam that I'm going back to the hallway, but he stops me, grabbing my wrist. I try to jerk away, but his grip is firm.
"I believe the person I was sent to look for is older. Not in high school." The shaking gets worse and my heart rate picks up. It becomes more and more difficult for me to draw breath and I can feel the tears building behind my eyes. I need my knife. Any knife. Any sharp object. Pain. I need pain. Pain clears my head. It focuses my fear and turns it into adrenaline.
"Oh yeah? I still don't see how your friend here ties into everything. Unless she knows the person."
Adam gently takes my arm instead of grasping my wrist and guides me to a seat across from Boss. He first asks if he may sit, then, when answered with a nod, settles down next to me. Sitting hides the shaking a little, but there's going to be a giveaway if I don't get it together soon. I squeeze my arm as tight as I can without Adam noticing and within a few seconds blood blossoms through the off-white bandaging, red and conspicuous. I cover it by laying that arm to the side, because I left my jacket in the bathroom stall. The burning clears my head. I can think straight now.
"I believe she may, Boss. I have spoken with some of the high schoolers involved and they all describe... a man whom I believe may be her father." I don't correct him and tell them he's technically my stepfather. He is Stepmonster to me, so neither of the words means a thing to me. Besides, if I speak up, it confirms his suspicions and the only reason I'd be taken out of that household is because he's breaking the law by selling drugs to kids. Doesn't matter that he's an abuser and a murderer if I don't speak up. Maybe when I turn 18... maybe I'll tell them then.
Boss raises her eyebrows and directs her attention to me. I try to meet her eyes, I really do, but I'm so tired of being me and terrified she'll be able to see that, so I look at my hands in my lap instead, twisting my fingers together into a knot like the one in my stomach.
I try to make my voice calm and steady, but I don't know how well I do.
"I'm sorry, Ma'am--uh, Boss. I have no information to give. I can give a description of my stepfather if that would help to confirm whether or not who they are describing is him. Shall I?" I look up near the end, my face composed, and see Boss shake her head.
"Liechent, this one is no use to us if she has no new information. Take her home and come talk to me tomorrow morning before you go to the school." Her voice commands no argument, so Adam does not attempt one.
"Yes, Boss."
The clock on her desk says 2:25pm. School is not quite over and I am already going home. I sigh and force my shoulders not to slump as we exit the office. The issue of what happened at school is totally forgotten and any suspicions about Stepmonster have a ways to go before they are worthy of investigation.
I wish I had been brave enough to tell the truth.
