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Sherzahd
8 hours ago
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0 miles · Cape Town
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If your recent exams were a bit depressing and you need cheering up – take a look at these exam bloopers from around the world. I am not sure of the original source of the quotes – so sorry, no acknowledgments. 
Syntax is all the money collected at the church from sinners.
The blood circulates through the body by flowing down one leg and up the other.
Most of the houses in France are made of plaster of Paris.
The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 opossums.
The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top and you sit on the bottom.
The parts of speech are lungs and air.
The inhabitants of Moscow are called Mosquitoes.
Water is composed of two gins. Oxygin and hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.
(Define H2O and CO2.) H2O is hot water and CO2 is cold water.
Mushrooms always grow in damp places, which is why they look like umbrellas.
Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun, but I have never been able to make out the numbers.
When planets run around and around in circles, we say they are orbiting. When people do it, we say they are crazy.
You can listen to thunder and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don’t hear it, you got hit, so never mind.
There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to be discovered.
Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let people know they’re there.
The cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things, like when people forget to put the top on.
Syntax is all the money collected at the church from sinners.
The blood circulates through the body by flowing down one leg and up the other.
Most of the houses in France are made of plaster of Paris.
The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 opossums.
The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top and you sit on the bottom.
The parts of speech are lungs and air.
The inhabitants of Moscow are called Mosquitoes.
Water is composed of two gins. Oxygin and hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.
(Define H2O and CO2.) H2O is hot water and CO2 is cold water.
Mushrooms always grow in damp places, which is why they look like umbrellas.
Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun, but I have never been able to make out the numbers.
When planets run around and around in circles, we say they are orbiting. When people do it, we say they are crazy.
You can listen to thunder and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don’t hear it, you got hit, so never mind.
There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to be discovered.
Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let people know they’re there.
The cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things, like when people forget to put the top on.
Administration
This is the poem that influenced me most as a poet. I read it for the first time when I was twelve and it has stayed with me since then. At the time I was too young to fully grasp its meaning, but something about it made me want to read it over and over again, until I had committed it to memory. I hope that you will get something from it, just as I did.
Prayer Before Birth
By Louis Macneice
I am not yet born; O hear me.
Let not the bloodsucking bat or the rat or the stoat or the
club-footed ghoul come near me.
I am not yet born, console me.
I fear that the human race may with tall walls wall me,
with strong drugs dope me, with wise lies lure me,
on black racks rack me, in blood-baths roll me.
I am not yet born; provide me
With water to dandle me, grass to grow for me, trees to talk
to me, sky to sing to me, birds and a white light
in the back of my mind to guide me.
I am not yet born; forgive me
For the sins that in me the world shall commit, my words
when they speak me, my thoughts when they think me,
my treason engendered by traitors beyond me,
my life when they murder by means of my
hands, my death when they live me.
I am not yet born; rehearse me
In the parts I must play and the cues I must take when
old men lecture me, bureaucrats hector me, mountains
frown at me, lovers laugh at me, the white
waves call me to folly and the desert calls
me to doom and the beggar refuses
my gift and my children curse me.
I am not yet born; O hear me,
Let not the man who is beast or who thinks he is God
come near me.
I am not yet born; O fill me
With strength against those who would freeze my
humanity, would dragoon me into a lethal automaton,
would make me a cog in a machine, a thing with
one face, a thing, and against all those
who would dissipate my entirety, would
blow me like thistledown hither and
thither or hither and thither
like water held in the
hands would spill me.
Let them not make me a stone and let them not spill me.
Otherwise kill me.
Prayer Before Birth
By Louis Macneice
I am not yet born; O hear me.
Let not the bloodsucking bat or the rat or the stoat or the
club-footed ghoul come near me.
I am not yet born, console me.
I fear that the human race may with tall walls wall me,
with strong drugs dope me, with wise lies lure me,
on black racks rack me, in blood-baths roll me.
I am not yet born; provide me
With water to dandle me, grass to grow for me, trees to talk
to me, sky to sing to me, birds and a white light
in the back of my mind to guide me.
I am not yet born; forgive me
For the sins that in me the world shall commit, my words
when they speak me, my thoughts when they think me,
my treason engendered by traitors beyond me,
my life when they murder by means of my
hands, my death when they live me.
I am not yet born; rehearse me
In the parts I must play and the cues I must take when
old men lecture me, bureaucrats hector me, mountains
frown at me, lovers laugh at me, the white
waves call me to folly and the desert calls
me to doom and the beggar refuses
my gift and my children curse me.
I am not yet born; O hear me,
Let not the man who is beast or who thinks he is God
come near me.
I am not yet born; O fill me
With strength against those who would freeze my
humanity, would dragoon me into a lethal automaton,
would make me a cog in a machine, a thing with
one face, a thing, and against all those
who would dissipate my entirety, would
blow me like thistledown hither and
thither or hither and thither
like water held in the
hands would spill me.
Let them not make me a stone and let them not spill me.
Otherwise kill me.
Administration
Insomnia
By Ankit Damani
white sparks surround my eyes now
addictions that will not leave anytime
soon
a second of sleep and it’s over, a mirage
nothing more
back to work where the devils must have
their share
of my flesh before it rots and ceases to
envelop my bones like
a warm blanket on a homeless man
droplets of creation are hurled out by
screaming eyeballs
they solidify and create the exterior
that I go on with, in social killing
fields.
yet I find myself wondering every day
wondering of other worlds
wondering if a single
moment not governed
by man will ever exist
wondering when to
release the secret.
and then it begins again:
like having an angelic melody
repeated over and over
for years
the first few days will pass on.
the efforts
to maintain sanity will only
start
to emerge after you realize
that everything
you loved
has been disintegrated into
incessant repetition and monotony
something that is inexplicable
something that is
beautifully convoluted
and yet so dangerous that
a touch will kill anyone. anyone but me,
who wears it
as a cloak
every moment of my life.
superiority
in its crudest form
steel shoulders cover me in a blanket of
apathy
as paper faces rest on each pair,
grinning with
evergreen agony, waiting to strike
those that have been,
all their lives,
as if all the previous beatings
were meant to dampen the effect
of this next one.
and they do, in a way.
at least their expression seems
worn out, and the flowing
ooze of red fury seems
like it knows what path to take,
like its tributaries and deltas
have been sketched out
in permanent ink before.
everything begins in
intricate performances,
displayed with zest.
the illusion is all that keeps me
from erupting.
By Ankit Damani
white sparks surround my eyes now
addictions that will not leave anytime
soon
a second of sleep and it’s over, a mirage
nothing more
back to work where the devils must have
their share
of my flesh before it rots and ceases to
envelop my bones like
a warm blanket on a homeless man
droplets of creation are hurled out by
screaming eyeballs
they solidify and create the exterior
that I go on with, in social killing
fields.
yet I find myself wondering every day
wondering of other worlds
wondering if a single
moment not governed
by man will ever exist
wondering when to
release the secret.
and then it begins again:
like having an angelic melody
repeated over and over
for years
the first few days will pass on.
the efforts
to maintain sanity will only
start
to emerge after you realize
that everything
you loved
has been disintegrated into
incessant repetition and monotony
something that is inexplicable
something that is
beautifully convoluted
and yet so dangerous that
a touch will kill anyone. anyone but me,
who wears it
as a cloak
every moment of my life.
superiority
in its crudest form
steel shoulders cover me in a blanket of
apathy
as paper faces rest on each pair,
grinning with
evergreen agony, waiting to strike
those that have been,
all their lives,
as if all the previous beatings
were meant to dampen the effect
of this next one.
and they do, in a way.
at least their expression seems
worn out, and the flowing
ooze of red fury seems
like it knows what path to take,
like its tributaries and deltas
have been sketched out
in permanent ink before.
everything begins in
intricate performances,
displayed with zest.
the illusion is all that keeps me
from erupting.
Administration
Quote by DirtyMartini
Or better yet, a "time generator"...what you'll think?
Now that might be worth owning... just thinking of how much more ice cream I can consume then...
Never tried a plot generator, not sure it'll help with my blocks. I tend to be the opposite to most other writers... the ideas are there, plots are all laid out neatly, but finding the right words and actually sticking to the plots.... tricky bussiness this writing thing.
Administration
Yes, I am guilty of verbosity as well. Sometimes more can be said by saying less.
It is really hard to cut your own words though, so I suggest you find someone with "fresh eyes" to review your work and do the cuts. As writers we tend to become too attached to our words. You always have a fave phrase or a few well chosen (and well intended) words that you think are brilliant. It is hard to just cut them out. It's like being expected to amputate your own limb... hand the saw to someone you trust and keep an open mind when reading their feedback.
May I just add that although tightening your writing works for prose, it doesn't always work for poetry.
It is really hard to cut your own words though, so I suggest you find someone with "fresh eyes" to review your work and do the cuts. As writers we tend to become too attached to our words. You always have a fave phrase or a few well chosen (and well intended) words that you think are brilliant. It is hard to just cut them out. It's like being expected to amputate your own limb... hand the saw to someone you trust and keep an open mind when reading their feedback.
May I just add that although tightening your writing works for prose, it doesn't always work for poetry.
Administration
ANSWERS OF A BRILLIANT STUDENT WHO OBTAINED 0% - I would have given him 100%
Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die?
*His last battle.
Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
* At the bottom of the page.
Q3. River Ravi flows in which state?
* Liquid.
Q4. What is the main reason for divorce?
* Marriage.
Q5. What is the main reason for failure?
* Exams.
Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast?
* Lunch & dinner.
Q7. What looks like half an apple?
* The other half.
Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what will it become?
* It will simply become a wet stone.
Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping ??
* No problem, he sleeps at night.
Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
* You will never find an elephant that has only one hand.
Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in the
other hand, what would you have ?
* Very large hands.
Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?
* No time at all, the wall is already built.
Q13. How can u drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
*Concrete floors are very hard to crack.
Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die?
*His last battle.
Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
* At the bottom of the page.
Q3. River Ravi flows in which state?
* Liquid.
Q4. What is the main reason for divorce?
* Marriage.
Q5. What is the main reason for failure?
* Exams.
Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast?
* Lunch & dinner.
Q7. What looks like half an apple?
* The other half.
Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what will it become?
* It will simply become a wet stone.
Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping ??
* No problem, he sleeps at night.
Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
* You will never find an elephant that has only one hand.
Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in the
other hand, what would you have ?
* Very large hands.
Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?
* No time at all, the wall is already built.
Q13. How can u drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
*Concrete floors are very hard to crack.
Administration
Quote by DirtyMartiniQuote by Rumple_deWriter
Words of wisdom, Master Moderator.
Hmmm...Master Moderator Martini...kinda has a nice ring to it, you think?
Do you think it would be terribly wrong of me to insist that everyone in my presence refer to me by that name?
Lol...just thinking out loud...
Administration
Quote by KikiQuote by lafayettemisterQuote by KikiQuote by DirtyMartiniQuote by Kiki
So what did Lafayette do to get a pic posted at his first post??
Apparently he bribed one of the moderators...that works too btw...
Um, just saying...
Bribe or blackmail? I looove this place
I can't say what I had to do, but I need to rinse with mouthwash afterwards.
You can also ask Yaz for one of her ice creams!!! Hold On "Need".... So you still have to do it?
Please tell me that I did not just hear that? No one goes near the ice cream van but me....
Dirty Martinis are free for all though.....
Administration
Quote by AutumnWriter
Anyway, here's a new one. Using the word "now" when describing a progression of action taking place in the past tense.
Eg, "He was exhausted and panting now."
The word "now" means 'at this moment in the present time.' Using it as described above is incorrect. It is, however, a commonly committed error. I just heard it in a narrative on TV last night.
What would have been wrong with "He was exhausted and began to pant."?
I agree. It is important to check for inconsistencies in tense when doing a final edit. I know that I've made those very mistakes in the past. For example, with my story "Even the Clocks Stopped", I found quite a few tense errors a day or two after posting it. My suggestion would be to have someone with "fresh eyes" read your story before trying to submit it anywhere.
Administration
Quote by Louise
One of my pet peeves is when someone creates a character who is totally unbelievable without any flaws or someone who is too whiny. As someone who writes from a first person perspective I find character layering very important. Human beings are complex creatures and they should be portrayed in fiction as such.
It's called a one-dimensional character.
I agree. I need to feel a connection to the protagonist before truly enjoying a story. It doesn't really matter if he/she isn't likeable as a person, they need to be interesting as a character. "Layering" is the best word to describe it, every veil lifted should reveal something new and unexpected. I have to feel everything the characters feel, which is why passive voice would never work for me. I subconsciously end up writing only in first person, not sure why, but I should try something fresh soon.
Administration
Just recently, while editing a story someone sent me, I came across a myriad of errors that I had no idea any writer would still be making outside of writing a high school essay. It made me realise how ill equiped some of us are at this whole writing game. I have attempted in a small way to help by posting this thread, but i have come to realise that what I have posted here does not even come close to being the tip of an enormous iceberg of commonly made errors.
I would like to open up this forum to anyone who has a pet sin of their own they would like to discuss here. Mostly because I am too lazy to think
of any new ones right now, also because it might be fun to hear varying viewpoints.
I would like to open up this forum to anyone who has a pet sin of their own they would like to discuss here. Mostly because I am too lazy to think
of any new ones right now, also because it might be fun to hear varying viewpoints. Administration
Quote by DirtyMartini
Oooops...yet another "not good" thingy...
When you click on the friends icon on the upper right, the list of friends is not in alphabetical order as it should be...
Not good Gav, not good at all...
Hmm... mine has never been in alphabetical order.
