What do you call a really hot, stinky tree? A lava tree.
Confused Cowboy
A cowboy rides up to a Saloon, goes inside and orders a drink.
He's just about got the glass of whiskey to his lips,
when a guy comes running up to the door,
and yells "Hey Joe! Your house is burnin!"
The man leaps up, runs out and jumps on his horse just as he thinks
"Hey, I don't have a house."
He goes back in and sits down, and raises the glass to his lips again.
Just then a man comes running up to the door and yells, "Hey Joe! Your dad has died!"
So he leaps up, runs out, gets on his horse and starts to head down the street when he thinks,
"Wait a minute... my dad died years ago."
He goes back to the bar, and sure enough, he's just about to take a sip of his whiskey when another guys runs up.
"Joe! Congratulations! You've won the lottery! There's a pile of money waiting for you down at the post office!"
The cowboy gets up, leaps on the horse, and starts flying towards the post office.
He almost gets there when he thinks,
"Hey, wait a minute. My name ain't Joe..."
"No one knows when the final grain of sand will plummet through their own personal Hourglass." ~ CKAcres
"If you really want to make a difference, don't over think it, just do it..."
"Scars of life are deeply etched within the minds of curious old souls."
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. ''But why?'' they asked, as they moved off. ''because,'' he said ''I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.''
I once knew a drinker who had a moderating problem...
Cowboy Wisdom.
A cowboy gets pulled over by a state trooper for speeding.
The trooper started to lecture the cowboy about his speed,
and in general throws his weight around to try to make the cowboy uncomfortable.
Finally, the trooper gets' round to writing out the ticket,
as he was scribblin` he kept swattin` at some flies that were buzzin` around his head.
The cowboy asked, "Having problems with them circle flies there, are ya?"
The trooper stopped writin`, "Well yeah, if that's what they are called, ain't never heard of circle flies."
So the cowboy says, "Well, circle flies is common round farms and ranches.
They're called circle flies cause, they're mostly found circlin` around the back end of horses."
The trooper merely says, "Oh!!" and goes back to writin`.
After a couple of seconds he stops and says, "Hey... wait a minute, are you callin` me a horse's ass?"
The cowboy replies, "Oh no, Officer. I got too much respect for law enforcement to ever think bout callin` you a horse's ass."
The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writin` again.
After a long pause.......... "Hard to be foolin` them flies though," says the cowboy!!!!
"No one knows when the final grain of sand will plummet through their own personal Hourglass." ~ CKAcres
"If you really want to make a difference, don't over think it, just do it..."
"Scars of life are deeply etched within the minds of curious old souls."
I went to the store to buy a pair of camouflage trousers, but I couldn't find any...
I once knew a drinker who had a moderating problem...
A Tough Old Cowboy
A tough old cowboy told his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life,
the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on his oatmeal every morning.
The grandson did this religiously to the age of 103.
When he died, he left 14 children, 30 grand-children, 45 great-grandchildren,
25 great-great grandchildren, and a 15 foot hole where the crematorium used to be.
"No one knows when the final grain of sand will plummet through their own personal Hourglass." ~ CKAcres
"If you really want to make a difference, don't over think it, just do it..."
"Scars of life are deeply etched within the minds of curious old souls."
Alan and Dave you are both full of good humor. Chess players and trousers aren't funny until you twist the words around Alan. The stoic cowboy is an icon that you use so well Dave. Thank you both.
You can't get there from here, because when you get there you're still here and here is now there. Dear Wife,
I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you forever. I’ve been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell. ... Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw. Last week, you came home & didn’t even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don’t tell me you love me anymore; you don’t want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you’re cheating on me or you don’t love me anymore; whatever the case, I’m gone.
Your EX-Husband
P.S. don’t try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!
Dear Ex-Husband,
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It’s true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you’ve been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping Too bad that doesn’t work. I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was ‘You look just like a girl!’ Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can’t say something nice, I didn’t comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica But when I got home you were gone.. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won’t get a dime from me. So take care.
Signed, Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free!
P.S. I don’t know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that’s not a problem.
Thanks very much for the wonderful jokes and funny stories.
You can't get there from here, because when you get there you're still here and here is now there. On their wedding night, the young bride
Approached her new husband and asked
For $20.00 for their first lovemaking
Encounter.
In his highly aroused state,
Her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made
Love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a
Cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that
She needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was
Surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.
During the next few minutes, he explained that
His employer was going through a process of corporate
Downsizing, and he had been let go.
It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find
Another position that paid anywhere near what
He'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.
Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which
Showed more than forty years of steady deposits and interest totaling
Nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued
By the
bank which was worth over $2 million,
And informed him that they
Were one of the largest depositors in the bank.
She explained that for more than
Three decades she had 'charged' him for sex,
These holdings had multiplied and these were the
Results of her savings and investments.
Faced with evidence of cash and investments
Worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could
Barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out,
'If I'd had any idea what you were doing,
I would have given you all my business!'
That's when she shot him.
You know, sometimes, men just don't know when
To keep their mouths shut.
I once knew a drinker who had a moderating problem...
The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
Yes, she says, "I remember it well."
OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,
"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."
I once knew a drinker who had a moderating problem...
Nutso and Bozo went to the Empire State building and took the tour all the way to the top. As luck would have it they stayed too long and missed the group leaving. All the doors were locked and they would have to be up there all night. After a few hours of wind and cold, Nutso slaps his forehead and says "Hey! What was I thinking! I've got a way down for us!" Bozo jumps up all excited and says "How?" Nutso says "I have my flashlight. You shine the beam down to the ground, and I'll slide down. When I get to the bottom, you drop the flashlight to me and I'll shine the beam back up for you!" Bozo looks at his friend in astonishment and says "No.. no.. no. I know you. I'll get halfway down and you'll turn it off. I'm going first!"
Great. Lot of cowboy jokes lately. They have been great.
You can't get there from here, because when you get there you're still here and here is now there. This guy walks into the police station to file a report. The officer says "What happened?" He says "I was at the mall this morning shopping, and when I went to my car to leave, these two beautiful women forced me to drive them to a secluded place." The officer says "Did they hurt you?" The guy says "No, but they forced me to have sex with both of them, then took my watch and my wallet." The officer writes everything down and says "Do you know if they have done this before?" The guy says "Yes. Three times. Last Tuesday, then Wednesday, Thursday, and then again today."
A young man and his hot date were parked on a back road some distance from town. They were about to have sex when the girl stopped. "I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a whore and I charge $20 for sex." The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl. "Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25..."
I once knew a drinker who had a moderating problem...
A man injured his leg and went to the doctor.
"That looks nasty," said the doctor, "I'd better give you a local anesthetic."
"Hang the expense," said the man, "I'll have the imported one."
"Them ain't no militia, that's the Army of the Potomac!"
So I remember this story a friend of mine told me about why they stopped witch burnings.
Well you see the very last witch was an old lady who lived out in the forest and mostly kept to herself. When they came for her, she was waiting for them and came willing.
"Hold on let me just grab my coat," was all she said.
Some found it odd, but as long as she came willingly it was no problem. It was not until they set the pyre on fire before they realized their mistake.
Before they had came for her, she wanted to be prepared and loaded her coat with nails and gunpowder.
The past, present and future walked into a bar. It was tense.
