For you Roland...
Walks Into a Bar... Free Drinks
A man walks into a a bar, drinks a couple of beers, and prepares to leave. The bartender tells him he owes $8.
"But I already paid you. Don't you remember?" says the customer.
"OK," says the bartender, "if you say you paid, then I suppose you did."
The man goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid or not. The second man rushes in, orders a couple beers, and later pulls the same stunt.
The barkeep replies, "OK, if you say you paid, then I suppose you did."
The customer goes outside and tells a friend how to get free drinks. The third man hurries into the bar and begins to drink highballs.
The bartender leans over and says, "You know, a funny thing happened tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid, and both claimed they had. The next guy who tries that stunt is going to get punched in the -- "
The man interrupts, "Don't bother me with your troubles, bartender. Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."
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For my friend Roland..
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Rest in Peace
A cop was patrolling at night in a well known area for “parking.” He saw a couple in a car, with the interior light on. He got closer to the car and saw a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine and a young woman on the rear seat, knitting. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walked over to the car and knocked on the window.
“Yes, officer?”
“What are you doing?”
“Well, isn’t it obvious? I’m reading a magazine.”
Pointing to the young woman, the cop asked, “And her, what is she doing?”
The young man shrugged, “I believe she’s knitting a pullover.”
The cop was totally confused. A young couple alone in a car at night and nothing obscene is happening! “What’s your age, young man?”
"I’m 22, sir.”
“And her, what’s her age?
The young man looks at his watch and said, “She’ll be 18 in 20 minutes.”
“Yes, officer?”
“What are you doing?”
“Well, isn’t it obvious? I’m reading a magazine.”
Pointing to the young woman, the cop asked, “And her, what is she doing?”
The young man shrugged, “I believe she’s knitting a pullover.”
The cop was totally confused. A young couple alone in a car at night and nothing obscene is happening! “What’s your age, young man?”
"I’m 22, sir.”
“And her, what’s her age?
The young man looks at his watch and said, “She’ll be 18 in 20 minutes.”
I once knew a drinker who had a moderating problem...
Rest in Peace
Dr. Epstein was a renowned physician who earned his undergraduate, graduate, and medical degrees in his home town and then left for Manhattan , where he quickly rose to the top of his field. Soon he was invited to deliver a significant paper, at a conference, coincidentally held in his home town. He walked on stage and placed his papers on the lectern, but they slid off onto the floor. As he bent over to retrieve them, at precisely the wrong instant, he inadvertently farted.
The microphone amplified his mistake resoundingly through the room and reverberated it down the hall. He was quite embarrassed but somehow regained his composure just enough to deliver his paper. He ignored the resounding applause and raced out the stage door, never to be seen in his home town again.
Decades later, when his elderly mother was ill, he returned to visit her. He reserved a hotel room under the name of Levy and arrived under cover of darkness.
The desk clerk asked him, "Is this your first visit to our city, Mr. Levy?"
Dr. Epstein replied, "Well, young man, no, it isn't. I grew up here and received my education here, but then I moved away."
"Why haven't you visited?" asked the desk clerk.
"Actually, I did visit once, many years ago, but an embarrassing thing happened and since then I've been too ashamed to return."
The clerk consoled him. "Sir, while I don't have your life experience, one thing I have learned is that often what seems embarrassing to me isn't even remembered by others. I bet that's true of your incident too."
Dr. Epstein replied, "Son, I doubt that's the case with my incident."
"Was it a long time ago?"
"Yes, many years."
The clerk asked, "Was it before or after the Epstein Fart?"
The microphone amplified his mistake resoundingly through the room and reverberated it down the hall. He was quite embarrassed but somehow regained his composure just enough to deliver his paper. He ignored the resounding applause and raced out the stage door, never to be seen in his home town again.
Decades later, when his elderly mother was ill, he returned to visit her. He reserved a hotel room under the name of Levy and arrived under cover of darkness.
The desk clerk asked him, "Is this your first visit to our city, Mr. Levy?"
Dr. Epstein replied, "Well, young man, no, it isn't. I grew up here and received my education here, but then I moved away."
"Why haven't you visited?" asked the desk clerk.
"Actually, I did visit once, many years ago, but an embarrassing thing happened and since then I've been too ashamed to return."
The clerk consoled him. "Sir, while I don't have your life experience, one thing I have learned is that often what seems embarrassing to me isn't even remembered by others. I bet that's true of your incident too."
Dr. Epstein replied, "Son, I doubt that's the case with my incident."
"Was it a long time ago?"
"Yes, many years."
The clerk asked, "Was it before or after the Epstein Fart?"
I once knew a drinker who had a moderating problem...
Active Ink Slinger
This is an old one, and everyone probably already knows it, but still...
A guy walks into a bar and orders a whiskey. Looking around he notices a horse, drinking a beer. Bending over to the barman he says: "I bet, I can make that horse laugh out loud, within five minutes". The Barman answers: "If you do that, this whiskey and the next one are on the house". The man walks over to the horse, whispers in his ears and within minutes, the horse is roaring with laughter. "How did you do that?", the barkeeper asks. "That's my secret", the man answers. He then drinks his whiskey and leaves.
Exactly a week later the same man returns to the bar. The horse is there too. Again he leans over to the barkeeper: "I bet, I can make that horse cry like a baby". "If you can do that, your first two drinks are on the house again". So the man walks over to the horse and within two minutes, the animal is crying like nobody cried before. "I'll give you your whiskey for free all night long", the barman declares, "but you'll have to tell me how you did that". "Okay", says the man, "Last week, when I made him laugh, I told him mine was bigger than his". "Today I showed him".
A guy walks into a bar and orders a whiskey. Looking around he notices a horse, drinking a beer. Bending over to the barman he says: "I bet, I can make that horse laugh out loud, within five minutes". The Barman answers: "If you do that, this whiskey and the next one are on the house". The man walks over to the horse, whispers in his ears and within minutes, the horse is roaring with laughter. "How did you do that?", the barkeeper asks. "That's my secret", the man answers. He then drinks his whiskey and leaves.
Exactly a week later the same man returns to the bar. The horse is there too. Again he leans over to the barkeeper: "I bet, I can make that horse cry like a baby". "If you can do that, your first two drinks are on the house again". So the man walks over to the horse and within two minutes, the animal is crying like nobody cried before. "I'll give you your whiskey for free all night long", the barman declares, "but you'll have to tell me how you did that". "Okay", says the man, "Last week, when I made him laugh, I told him mine was bigger than his". "Today I showed him".
If life seems jolly rotten
there's something you've forgotten
and that's to laugh and smile and dance and sing
from Monty Python's "Life of Brian"
there's something you've forgotten
and that's to laugh and smile and dance and sing
from Monty Python's "Life of Brian"
Active Ink Slinger
ok here is one my kids told me
what is the difference between a well dressed man and a dog?
the man wears suits , the dog just pants
what is the difference between a well dressed man and a dog?
the man wears suits , the dog just pants
Active Ink Slinger
what did the chicken say when she went into the library
book,book book
book,book book
Active Ink Slinger
where does a dog go when he loses his tail
a retail store
a retail store
Rest in Peace
I guess he got the job. LOL
I once knew a drinker who had a moderating problem...
Rest in Peace
When Forest Gump died, he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "Welcome, Forest. We've heard a lot about you." He continued, "Unfortunately, it's getting pretty crowded up here and we find that we now have to give people an entrance examination before we let them in."
"Okay," said Forest. "I hope it's not too hard. I've already been through a test. My momma used to say, 'Life is like a final exam. It's hard.' "
"Yes, Forest, I know. But this test is only three questions. Here they are."
1) Which two days of the week begin with the letter 'T'?"
2) How many seconds are in a year?
3) What is God's first name?
"Well, sir," said Forest, "The first one is easy. Which two days of the week begin with the letter 'T'? Today and Tomorrow."
St. Peter looked surprised and said, "Well, that wasn't the answer I was looking for, but you have a point. I give you credit for that answer."
"The next question," said Forest, "How many seconds are in a year? Twelve."
"Twelve?" said St. Peter, surprised and confused.
"Yes, sir. January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd …"
St. Peter interrupted him. "I see what you mean. I'll have to give you credit for that one, too."
"And the last question," said Forest, "What is God's first name? It's Andy."
"Andy?" said St. Peter, in shock. "How did you come up with 'Andy'?"
"I learned it in church. We used to sing about it." Forest broke into song, "Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am His own."
St. Peter opened the gate to heaven and said, "Run, Forest, Run!"
"Okay," said Forest. "I hope it's not too hard. I've already been through a test. My momma used to say, 'Life is like a final exam. It's hard.' "
"Yes, Forest, I know. But this test is only three questions. Here they are."
1) Which two days of the week begin with the letter 'T'?"
2) How many seconds are in a year?
3) What is God's first name?
"Well, sir," said Forest, "The first one is easy. Which two days of the week begin with the letter 'T'? Today and Tomorrow."
St. Peter looked surprised and said, "Well, that wasn't the answer I was looking for, but you have a point. I give you credit for that answer."
"The next question," said Forest, "How many seconds are in a year? Twelve."
"Twelve?" said St. Peter, surprised and confused.
"Yes, sir. January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd …"
St. Peter interrupted him. "I see what you mean. I'll have to give you credit for that one, too."
"And the last question," said Forest, "What is God's first name? It's Andy."
"Andy?" said St. Peter, in shock. "How did you come up with 'Andy'?"
"I learned it in church. We used to sing about it." Forest broke into song, "Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am His own."
St. Peter opened the gate to heaven and said, "Run, Forest, Run!"
I once knew a drinker who had a moderating problem...
Rest in Peace
Legit question, if you ask me...
SUBJECT: morning funny
A three-year old walks over to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in a doctor’s surgery.
“Why is your stomach so big?” – he asks.
“I´m having a baby.” – she replies.
“Is the baby in your stomach?” – he asks, with his big eyes.
“Yes, it is.” – she says.
“Is it a good baby?” – he asks, with a puzzled look.
“Oh, yes. A really good baby.” – the lady replies.
Shocked and surprised, he asks: “Then why did you eat him?”
SUBJECT: morning funny
A three-year old walks over to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in a doctor’s surgery.
“Why is your stomach so big?” – he asks.
“I´m having a baby.” – she replies.
“Is the baby in your stomach?” – he asks, with his big eyes.
“Yes, it is.” – she says.
“Is it a good baby?” – he asks, with a puzzled look.
“Oh, yes. A really good baby.” – the lady replies.
Shocked and surprised, he asks: “Then why did you eat him?”
I once knew a drinker who had a moderating problem...
Active Ink Slinger
well first of all I am not that good at jokes.
sunil is so much better than me.
but here goes roland....
what did the chicken say when he went to the library?..... book book book . hehe
sunil is so much better than me.
but here goes roland....
what did the chicken say when he went to the library?..... book book book . hehe
Active Ink Slinger
Thank you all very much. I often come to read though these bits of humor and encouragement.
You can't get there from here, because when you get there you're still here and here is now there.
Funny joke
A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."
A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."
Primus Omnium
Active Ink Slinger
Thank you all!
You can't get there from here, because when you get there you're still here and here is now there.
