I can not thank all of you enough. I take great joy from reading the jokes you leave here. I owe you all a debt of gratitude, especially to Dreamcatcher. Thanks Larry!
You can't get there from here, because when you get there you're still here and here is now there. Another Cowboy joke...
Didja hear about the cowboy who wanted a pet, but didn't want to deal with a dog or cat while he was out on the trail drives.
He went to a pet store and checked out all the pets available and decided to buy a talking centipede.
The centipede came with his own box that was his house.
He took the centipede back to the bunk house with him, and would talk to him every evening when he got back from his duties.
On Sunday morning, the cowboy approached the centipede's box and said to the centipede through the doorway on the box,
"Hey, Cent, how 'bout getting up and going to church with me?"
He heard no answer from within the box, so he spoke a little louder and said,
"Hey, Cent, what do you think about getting up and going to church with me?"
Still no answer from the box, so the cowboy shouts,
"Hey, Cent, how 'bout gettin' your ass up and going to worship with me this fine Sunday morning?"
Finally from within the box the centipede shouts back,
"I HEARD YOU THE FIRST TIME. I'M PUTTING MY SHOES ON!" ..........
"No one knows when the final grain of sand will plummet through their own personal Hourglass." ~ CKAcres
"If you really want to make a difference, don't over think it, just do it..."
"Scars of life are deeply etched within the minds of curious old souls."
A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff. He thinks he's smarter being a big shot lawyer from New York and has a better education than an sheriff from West Virginia. The sheriff asks for license and registration. The lawyer asks, "What for?" The sheriff responds, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign." The lawyer says, "I slowed down and no one was coming." "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration please," say the sheriff impatiently. The lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you can give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket." The sheriff says, "That sounds fair, please exit your vehicle." The lawyer steps out and the sheriff takes out his nightstick and starts beating the lawyer with it. The sheriff says, "Do you want me to stop or just slow down?"
I once knew a drinker who had a moderating problem...
Chicken and the Egg
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed.
The chicken lit a cigarette and takes a huge drag.
The egg, disgustedly looks at the chicken, rolls over and pulls the blankets over himself saying,
"I guess we answered that question!"
Old Prospector
An old prospector shuffled into town leading his trusty mule, headed straight for the only saloon in town,
needin` badly to wet his parched throat. Walking up to the hitch`n rail, he flipped the lead shank over it.
As he stood brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes,
a young gunslinger stepped out from the saloon with a pistol in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.
The young gunslinger spied the old man and snickered, saying, "Hey old fella, have you ever danced?"
The prospector looked back at the gunslinger and said, "Nope, can't says I have."
A crowd gathered quickly, the gunslinger smirked and blurted out, "well, you old fool, you're gonna' learn now,"
and started shooting at the old man's feet.
The old prospector in order to not get a toe blown off, started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet,
everybody started laughing as if fit to be tied.
When the last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger still laughing,
holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.
The old man stepped to his mule, pulling a double barreled shotgun from his pack and cocked both hammers back.
The audible click, click, carried clearly through the desert air.
The quiet was almost deafening, as the crowd immediately stopped laughing.
Hearing the sounds, stopped the young gunslinger in his tracks, slowly he turned around.
The crowd watched on bated breath, as the young gunman stared down the gaping holes of those twin barrels.
The shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he spoke.
"Son, have you ever kissed a mule's ass," asked the old prospector with a devilish grin?
The young gunslinger swallowed hard and slowly replied, "No sir, but I've always wanted to."
"No one knows when the final grain of sand will plummet through their own personal Hourglass." ~ CKAcres
"If you really want to make a difference, don't over think it, just do it..."
"Scars of life are deeply etched within the minds of curious old souls."
TOP TEN BUMPERSTICKERS ON THE U.S.S. ENTERPRISE
10. "Our other starship separates into 3 pieces!"
9. "One photon torpedo can ruin your whole day...think about it"
8. "HONK if you've slept with Commander Riker!"
7. "Guns don't kill people...Class 2 Phasers do!"
6. "Zero to Warp 9.7 in 13 seconds!"
5. "CAUTION...We have a trigger happy Klingon at tactical."
4. "If you can read this...don't you think you're a wee bit too close?"
3. "Have you hugged a Ferengi today?"
2. "We brake for cubes!"
1. "Wesley On Board!"
"No one knows when the final grain of sand will plummet through their own personal Hourglass." ~ CKAcres
"If you really want to make a difference, don't over think it, just do it..."
"Scars of life are deeply etched within the minds of curious old souls."
What do you call a ghost who has sex with you in your sleep? A poltergasm.
What is it called when you have sex with a vampire? I don't know, but it will drive you batty. Thanks Andrew.
You can't get there from here, because when you get there you're still here and here is now there. Say the following ten times fast:
1 smart fellow felt smart.
I'm not the pheasant plucker, I'm the peasant plucker's son, I'm only plucking peasants until the peasant plucker comes.
I was talking to Rebellious_Soul and she called me "Mr. Circles", to which I replied "I'm often dizzy." It made me wonder, Roland, are you often dizzy? I'm going in circles and you're going in loops! And is Lizzy dizzy, too? May I call her Dizzy Lizzy?
An 80 yr Old lady was marrying for the 4th time newspaper asked if she would mind talking about her first 3 husbands & what they did for a living.
She smiled & said "My first husband was a Banker, then I married a Circus Ringmaster. Next was a Preacher & now in my 80's, a Funeral Director."
When asked why the 4 Men had such diverse careers. She explained, "I married one for the money, 2 for the show, 3 to get ready & 4 to go."...
I once knew a drinker who had a moderating problem...
I must be Scottish. The bloody fly isn't getting my lager.
You can't get there from here, because when you get there you're still here and here is now there. A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach. After watching the boy's efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boy's position. He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a solid ring.
Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?"
To which the boy replies, "Now we run like Hell!"
I once knew a drinker who had a moderating problem...
A dude goes fishing and sees another guy open his tackle box and take out a mirror.
He asks what the mirror is for.
The guy says "It’s how I catch fish.
I shine sunlight on the water, fish come to the top and I scoop 'em up."
"No shit - I’ll give you $20 for it."
The fisherman says, "Okay,"
Looking at his new mirror, the dude asked,
"By the way, how many fish have you caught so far today"
The guy says, "You’re the 6th"
I once knew a drinker who had a moderating problem...
A little boy asks his father
"Daddy where does poo come from"?
The dad thinks for a moment then replies
"Well son, when we eat our food it goes down into our tummies and the
digestive juices break it down so that it can pass through our intestines
and absorb all the goodness, then we are left with a waste product which
we have to pass, that's when we have to go to the toilet"
The boy looks shocked and puzzled then replies.
"Blimey, what about Tigga then"?
I once knew a drinker who had a moderating problem...
A seven-year-old tells his four-year-old brother that they should start swearing.
"When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'll say 'hell' and you say 'ass.'"
The four-year-old happily agrees.
At breakfast, the seven-year-old says,
"Aw hell, Mom, I'll just have some toast."
The surprised mother quickly smacks him and he runs upstairs crying.
The mother turns to the younger boy,
"And what would YOU like for breakfast?"
"I don't know," the four-year-old blubbers,
"but you can bet your ass it's not gonna be toast!"
I once knew a drinker who had a moderating problem...
good one Mr. Martini
