I would appreciate opinions of my recent fictional piece, verified yesterday, and placed under the uncertain banner of 'Romance'----title 'Twice Upon A Time'.
I've never asked for comment before---but confidence is waining.
Find your next favourite story now
Login
Seeking criticism
I've read your story, and it would help if you could explain a bit what you are uncertain of with regards to the story.
I hesitate to say more until then, but here are some comments
It is a good story, if a bit long. For me, the first section with the heavy handed presence of his daughters, could be edited for length. The same for the part where he is driving in his old neighbourhood, the writing could be tightened up.
When you get into the background and the story of his meeting Julie when they were young, the story takes shape and moves along well, and you move nicely between the recollection and the present. That keeps going and you have hit your stride.
It is a bit incongruous though that his daughters, introduced as being so watchful and controlling, would not have been aware of his increased movements and travelling, especially since there is a certain amount of time in which that takes place.
There is also a line, a small slip, where you speak in the first person as Jack, that could be corrected. I can't quote the line as we cannot cut and paste from stories but it is when Julie meets his daughters and is telling them of their youthful escapades.
Again I am not sure what you are looking for in terms of comments. If none of what I have said is helpful or what you are after just tell me, I shall remove this post, and try to focus on what you are concerned about.
Regards,
Gypsy
Active Ink Slinger
Thank you for your prompt response. I was always aware of how much the story length was more than I intended. I spent ages editing each section so I agree about it being too long. But you will know that when you get entangled with editing , it becomes a trial of will. I'll bear all the points you make.
What I am furious with myself about is the change to 'first person'. I had done that in four places (when I was tired, my excuse). But I was sure I had dug all those errors out. On the old site it was easy to edit an already published story, perhaps you could let me know if that facility still exists.
I really appreciate the time you have given in responding so helpfully. Much to bear in mind. Now for that 'Spooky' tale. Thank you.
Concluding chapter (16) of THE HIGH AND THE HUMBLE in situ.
2
Quote by redwriterThank you for your prompt response. I was always aware of how much the story length was more than I intended. I spent ages editing each section so I agree about it being too long. But you will know that when you get entangled with editing , it becomes a trial of will. I'll bear all the points you make.
What I am furious with myself about is the change to 'first person'. I had done that in four places (when I was tired, my excuse). But I was sure I had dug all those errors out. On the old site it was easy to edit an already published story, perhaps you could let me know if that facility still exists.
I really appreciate the time you have given in responding so helpfully. Much to bear in mind. Now for that 'Spooky' tale. Thank you.
You are quite welcome, and I do indeed know how demanding and difficult the proof-reading and editing of ones own work can be.
You can still edit and make corrections to your published story with this new site. Scroll down past the end of the text, and before the comments, there should be an Edit button.
One suggestion I have for tightening up and condensing the first sections is this: have the story begin with Jack taking things in his own hands on the day he sets out in his car for his excursion. As he drives along, fill in the essentials of the situation as he drives: he's a widower, his daughters are loving and caring but are going too far in trying to control him for his own safety and wellbeing - or at least, their ideas of this.
That would bring the reader directly into the story and take them along with Jack, in the car, on the drive.
Setting the stage with his relationship to his daughters, as you have done, is important, as it reveals much about Jack. He is loving and patient, and knows they are acting out of love and respect for him and for the memory of their departed mother. This, we see later, is how he has always been, even as a young man. Loving, patient, respectful. It is a lovely and subtle character depiction of the protagonist, and you have written it beautifully. At the same time, he is not going to be controlled and pushed around, and he stands his ground quietly but firmly. At some level, his daughters must also know that, too, which means they know they cannot go too far with bossing their father around.
Again, just a few more thoughts.
Regards,
Gypsy