Kissing the girl
Errin slipped out through one of the side doors, the hot and sticky summer air enveloped her. The heatwave has rolled over the city the past few days relentless and scorching. She needed some cool air, for more than one reason. The red wine, tequila and the usual cigarette with wine have unlocked bottled up feelings. She sighed, she had hoped that the night air would cool her down and clear her mind, but the hot air was not doing the trick.
It did not help that when she closed her eyes, her drunken haze recreated Sara in front of her relaxed in her T-shirt and mini skirt. There should be a law against someone looking that good and not knowing it.
She took a cigarette out of the packet she had stolen from Paul, lit it and inhaled deeply. She needed the strange peace the city lights brought; it helped her to refocus and re-balance.
“I saw you walking out, all ok?” Inwardly Errin cringed, she needed more time to refocus and put Sara in the far reaches of her mind. Her mind was still fogged up from the wine and tequila.
Not looking at the voice of her torment, “I am fine, just needed some air, it has become quite stuffy inside.”
The unexpected light touch of Sara’s hand on her arm sent shivers through Errin’s body. “You can’t be cold in this heat,” Sara joked. The uncontrolled pain and longing it sparked made Errin pulled her arm back quicker than she should have, “I told you I am fine!”
“I know something is wrong, but barking at me is not going to help this. What is going on with you? I thought we were friends, but you have been swinging between hot and cold the last few weeks. Something is up with you, and I am trying to understand.”
“Sara, I am too drunk to make sense tonight, or I might just say something I would really regret tomorrow, so for my own sanity go inside and enjoy the party,” Errin looked at the night sky, her back to Sara, she hoped that her friend will let it rest and go back inside.
Sara didn’t, she moved closer, so close that Errin felt her body heat. The heat, the wine, “Don’t do anything stupid, please do not do anything stupid,” it was like a mantra over and over in her mind. Sara’s hand went to the small of her back, comforting, but it made Errin barely hold on to her resolve.
She half turned into Sara, they were so close that they could feel each other’s breath, “Sara, we are friends, and as a friend I am asking you to back off, go inside and enjoy yourself, I am fine, I will be fine if you go inside,” Errin’s words were a whisper, it carried a plea.
“I am your friend; I am not going to go inside when I know something is wrong.” All Errin was aware of was Sara’s mouth inches away from hers, her intoxication wiping away boundaries and rules.
Her eyes could not leave Sara’s mouth, and she leaned forward and softly kissed her, she knew she was destroying a friendship, that she was giving up their friendship for a moment, a memory.
Sara’s hand came to rest lightly on her chest and she pushed her away ever so gently. “Hmm, I think I am the reason for what is wrong with you,” she sighed lightly and looked Errin fully in the eyes. “You know I am straight, you are my friend, and I do not want to lose that.”
Errin closed her eyes, the feel of Sara’s lips still on hers, but also the growing ache of loss. Sara looked at her with a sad smile and then turned around and walked back to the party.
Time cannot be turned back, so Errin went back inside to the party, she drank, smoked, joked and did not look in the direction of Sara. The one time their eyes caught accidentally, there was a softness of understanding in Sara’s eyes, but Errin was too drunk to see it.
As the evening went along, she started to remember less and less of the night.
Errin did not know what woke her, the sunlight, the noise, her headache, the rawness in her throat, she just laid there, not quite knowing where there was. A hand in the small of her back made the air stuck in her throat. Where the hell was she, she had no recollection of how the evening ended, then the memory of kissing Sara struck her like a hammer between the eyes.
“You alive?” it was Sara’s voice behind her, Errin stopped moving, stopped breathing, afraid to turn around. She was too old for this, she groaned. She turned around and realised she was fully clothed on top of the duvet cover.
“Nope,” as she faced Sara. “And I probably made a very big fool of myself last night,” she sighed.
“Last night was last night, today is today,” Sara shrugged it off.
“Dare I asked what happened?” Errin asked with a winch, her head and nausea killing her.
“If you wanted to know if we slept together, then the answer is yes,” Errin lifted one eyebrow and then cringed as a sharp pain stabbed through her skull.
“If that was your idea of a joke, not funny, I got fireworks going off in my head.” Errin put her head back on the pillow and closed her eyes. Sara’s hand came to rest lightly on her stomach, Errin groaned, “You just really want to kill me,” Sara did not move her hand, only chuckled lightly. “No, I am your friend, a friend who dragged your sorry drunken ass to my bachelor’s flat with one bed last night because you were drunk and then had to listen to your snoring the whole night.”
“Why did you do that? After last night…”
Sara sat up, “You are my friend, and as I said, last night was last night, but I do want us to talk about it, you are not going to go all silent and broody about what happened.”
Uncontrollable laughter took hold of her. Sara just smiled and waited for her to stop laughing. “Come on, you are not going to laugh at that, I got hanged up on you, kissed you, then got drunk, and you still haul my sorry drunken ass around, you are a friend, and… and I do hope that… that last night, well that last night did not ruin our friendship completely.”
The silence stretched awkwardly for Errin, she put her head back on the pillow, waiting on the inevitable. She felt Sara took her hand, “You are my friend, and I think that you haven’t had a real friend in a long time and that, well, that our friendship got you confused. So here is the deal, I am going to let last night slide, but you only get one chance, from now on be honest with me, tell me what you feel and we can work through it together. And I might not always be at your side, but I will always be your friend, and when it matters the most I will be there.”
The tears streamed over Errin’s face. Sometimes kissing the girl you have a crush on is not worth it.
